Help me earn money to go to a conference.

Please buy my stuff so I can go to an arts conference at Willow Creek in June 2006.
http://www.cafepress.com/bluedogart

Thankful Quote

"Animals are reliable, many full of love, true in their affections, predictable in their actions, grateful and loyal. Difficult standards for people to live up to."
-Alfred A. Montapert

Thought on thanks

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the
highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by
them. -John Fitzgerald Kennedy

I wanna be a slacker

Being responsible sucks. Slackers have free time and are never asked to do anything extra, because no one expects anything from them. If you are responsible people always ask you to do more and more. And you never get anything out of it. Okay you do get one thing, more stress. Is it worth the work? I don’t want to be responsible anymore.

What's the point?

“What’s The Point?”
What’s the point of wishing?
When wishes never come true
What’s the point of striving?
When I’ll never make it through
What’s the point of dreaming?
When all of my dreams fail
What’s the point of searching?
When I’ll never find the trail
What’s the point of living?
When everyone wants me to leave
What’s the point of hoping?
When I have no reasons to believe
What’s the point of pretending?
When all I can do is cry
What’s the point of breathing?
When I just want to die
What’s the point of living?
When no one wants me hear
What’s the point of smiling?
When you can still see my tears
What’s the point of me?
When memories fade away
What’s the point of staying?
When I can’t take another day
What’s the point of this race?
When I’ll never see the end
What’s the point of praying?
When you’ll never be my friend
    ~by depressedsoul
(found at http://www.4degreez.com/poetry/16065/1083431562.html )

What do I believe?

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I believe.  Someone recently asked the question, how many people have I led to Christ.  I can honestly say none.  Is that wrong?  It’s never been an issue for me and yet now I have to answer for what others see as my seemingly wasted life.  Personally I think that it is a religious thing.  My background is Lutheran but I currently attend a Pentecostal church where this has recently become an issue.  I am not comfortable with this.  What I believe is that we can’t save ourselves, therefore we can’t lead anyone to Christ.  Sure you can share the gospel and inform people of what God did for us.  But the act of “Saving” is strictly one that only God alone can do.  All we can do is accept His gift and in return love and follow Him.  

I’ve also been thinking a lot about my role in the church.  And why do we even have church?  It seems like it’s just a big exclusive club.  Worst of all, I wouldn’t want to bring any of my friends (not that I have any) to the church I currently attend*.  There isn’t anything to be a part of other than the inner workings of the church.  We have no outreach, to anyone.  We just think we do.  I’m thinking about leaving.  But that won’t happen as they’ll never let me go peacefully.

I’m tired and depressed, so good night dark world.

(*I don’t mean to offend anyone who is part of the church I attend.  So if you happen to know me, and my church, and are reading this, please understand that I am just being honest about what I feel.)  

Day 8 - Ceramics

Cool plate that I made. Glaze came out totally different than I expceted.

My first time throwing on the wheel.
Cj's vase that she gave me. I glazed it for her. I didn't expect that she would give it to me.

more

Cool red abstract piece. Hand formed.

even more

This was the second pot that I did on the wheel. The teacher helped (did 90%) of it. The sprial in the bottom is kinda cool.

Day 7

I’ve missed a few days of posting.  But there hasn’t been anything to post about.  Wondering if God will really surprise me in the next 30 days.  Last few days have been dull.  Wishing I had someone to talk to.  I feel so alone.

Day 4 - Hillsong/Joyce Meyer

Today’s surprise happened at a Hillsong/Joyce Meyers Conference in Indianapolis. Brian Houston is so cool. Too bad so few people know about him here in the States. (I could have skipped Joyce Meyers.) The surprise had nothing to do with anything anyone preached on. I was a little ADD during the praise and worship set and was looking around at everything else. What caught my eye was the fact that the tech person putting up the words to the songs, was having problems keeping up with where the band was going. Why, I’m sure your wondering, was that something God would show me? I do the same thing at my church. I was cool for me in that I got to see that even the big boys have oops. I’ve been having a hard time not panicking, and kicking myself, when stuff goes awry during service. I know that God doesn’t expect perfection, only my best. But sometimes I can spend a lot of time beating myself up for small things no one else probably even noticed. I’ve been working on dealing with that a lot lately.

Another surprise happened when we broke for lunch. There was a lady in front of is line that asked where I was from. (I was local to this event.) She had driven 3 and a half hours from Chicago to come to this conference and was with someone that had driven over 7. She said that she talked to someone else that was from Chicago, only to discover that they knew someone in common. It was one of those “it’s a small world” moments.

It’s been a long day and I need to be up early tomorrow. So it’s off to bed I go.

Day 3

Nothing of note today.  Did get an interesting quote though.
“Attitude is 90% of your DAY it will make it or break it.”

Only surprise today was find out I have extra work to do for service Sunday.  Yippee. Not.

Day 2 - Gray Daze

“Surprise me, God.” 3 unassuming words and yet so dangerous. Nothing of great note. Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. Got up and was running late as usual. Got to work only to deal with a never ending pile of paper work. Did get it 90 percent done today. Started it yesterday. Highlight of the morning was an unplanned run to Starbucks. I can’t stand coffee, but if you can get them to make a steamer right, the Pumpkin Spice latte is to die for. They got it right this morning. So I figured I’d give another shot tonight before I ran to church for a meeting. They screwed it up. Coffee, yuck. And a venti to boot. Some day I’ll learn to drink it before I leave the store. Wouldn’t have helped tonight though. Our Starbucks is new and they are really slow. By the time I got it I only had a few minutes till I had to be at church. Oh well.

The weather is all gray and drizzly. It matches the way I feel right now. Depression is trying to creep back in. Trying to stay positive. I just want to shut off my brain. Looking for peace. Still haven’t found it. Questions keep flying in. Wondering what’s next. Where are we all trying to get to? Is this faith thing really worth all the work? Why is it that the “church” the last place people want to be? Why can’t we “church” people break loose of the club mentality? Church isn’t for those of us who are already there. The “church” is supposed to be people reaching out and caring for everyone. Not just those inside 4 walls on a Sunday. We all want the “lost” to find Jesus. But if Jesus is in us, and he is a shepherd looking for the lost sheep, why are we waiting for the sheep to wander to us. Looking for something lost implies action. Sitting in a pew week after week is not action. Actually, I don’t think the “lost” are lost. We (church goers) are the lost ones. God has moved and we are all sitting around wondering when he is going to come back. He’s not. He’s out looking for the lost ones. Which is where we should be. I don’t mean to get all theological, as I am no theologian. Food for thought though.

"Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"~Truman in the Truman Show

Day 1

Nothing much to note today.  Hardest thing is remembering not to try to force God’s hand by asking him to do things.

Surprise me, God

There's a new book out called "Surprise Me – a 30-day faith experiment" by Terry Esau. The idea is…"every day, for 30 days, you pray and ask God to surprise you. "Surprise Me, God." Nothing more, nothing less. Three words. Not asking for something in particular. Not giving him our list. Not presenting our agenda. Just inviting him to barge into our lives in any old way he pleases – to crash into the busyness of our schedules and mess with it. Every day you record your thoughts and activities." The good, the bad and the ugly. It's "Reality Spirituality." That's the gist anyway. The big thing is to blog your journal entries. It's kind of a way to publicly show that faith can be messy.

I've kinda started this experiment today and I'm waiting to see what happens. Stay Tuned.

Why am I here?

What is that I am supposed to be doing here on this earth? I have nothing to complain about and yet I find nothing to live for. There are many people much worse off than me. Yet I have no hope for my own life. I have no one to call on. I so long to leave this world. Why can't I find my purpose? Why am I here? Work has no meaning. Eating, sleeping, breathing, I don't know why I continue to do anything. I have no value to the world I live in. I've prayed and prayed for the answers and I even felt that I met God face to face. All that has done is to keep me here one or two more days. I have no desire to go on. You might read this and say, "You are suffering from depression." NO, REALLY?!? But every time I tried to get help, the door gets slammed in my face. So I've stopped asking. This is not a battle I can win on my own, but that's what everyone has told me in not so many words. It'll be sheer luck if I make it to my 29th birthday. I'm surprised I've made it as long as I have. I just wish someone, anyone would see through the act and help me. I've hid for so long. I don't know who I am anymore.

Worship

Last Sunday night was one of those nights that I hate being a part of the worship team. The message hit home and the call to prayer seemed to be aimed right at my heart. My heart was pulling at me to go down there, saying that is where you need to be. I sorely needed to be down there, but I was glued to my chair, because in my mind my loyalty to my job has a higher value than the needs of my own heart. So here I am, unable to receive the help and hope I need. It doesn’t usually bother me if I miss a chance to have someone pray with me. But last night I really felt like I was missing something big. Like having the winning ticket and never claiming the prize.

What can I say? I’m a mess. Nothing I do seems to help for long. Perhaps that is the problem. It’s something I’m trying to do. It’s so hard to give up control. Most days I feel like I’m a living example of Proverbs 14:13 “ Even in laughter the heart may ache.” The only way I survive is to take everything one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. I’ve hid the real me for so long I no longer know who I am. I am never who I am meant to be. And I am tired. Just so tired. I wish I could flourish as well as the things I put my time and energy into. My small group seems to be doing well. I’ve got a great mix of people. But something is missing for me. I feel like I’m the substitute leading someone else’s group. And I’m not sure why that is. They all tell me I’m doing a great job. But right now, even if God himself told me that, I wouldn’t be able to believe it’s true.

First post

I don't know what I'll do with this blog, but I'll probably use it to vent every now and then.