Why am I here?

What is that I am supposed to be doing here on this earth? I have nothing to complain about and yet I find nothing to live for. There are many people much worse off than me. Yet I have no hope for my own life. I have no one to call on. I so long to leave this world. Why can't I find my purpose? Why am I here? Work has no meaning. Eating, sleeping, breathing, I don't know why I continue to do anything. I have no value to the world I live in. I've prayed and prayed for the answers and I even felt that I met God face to face. All that has done is to keep me here one or two more days. I have no desire to go on. You might read this and say, "You are suffering from depression." NO, REALLY?!? But every time I tried to get help, the door gets slammed in my face. So I've stopped asking. This is not a battle I can win on my own, but that's what everyone has told me in not so many words. It'll be sheer luck if I make it to my 29th birthday. I'm surprised I've made it as long as I have. I just wish someone, anyone would see through the act and help me. I've hid for so long. I don't know who I am anymore.

Worship

Last Sunday night was one of those nights that I hate being a part of the worship team. The message hit home and the call to prayer seemed to be aimed right at my heart. My heart was pulling at me to go down there, saying that is where you need to be. I sorely needed to be down there, but I was glued to my chair, because in my mind my loyalty to my job has a higher value than the needs of my own heart. So here I am, unable to receive the help and hope I need. It doesn’t usually bother me if I miss a chance to have someone pray with me. But last night I really felt like I was missing something big. Like having the winning ticket and never claiming the prize.

What can I say? I’m a mess. Nothing I do seems to help for long. Perhaps that is the problem. It’s something I’m trying to do. It’s so hard to give up control. Most days I feel like I’m a living example of Proverbs 14:13 “ Even in laughter the heart may ache.” The only way I survive is to take everything one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. I’ve hid the real me for so long I no longer know who I am. I am never who I am meant to be. And I am tired. Just so tired. I wish I could flourish as well as the things I put my time and energy into. My small group seems to be doing well. I’ve got a great mix of people. But something is missing for me. I feel like I’m the substitute leading someone else’s group. And I’m not sure why that is. They all tell me I’m doing a great job. But right now, even if God himself told me that, I wouldn’t be able to believe it’s true.